If you want to be ineffective in communication, we recommend using the accusatory language “you”. In trainings, what we usually notice in people is that “you” messages are transmitted in our communications. It is proof of why we fail to communicate, incriminating messages that contain “you” language.
“You’re like a kid, why do you always act like that?” sentences made in the style of “you” messages containing accusation. Instead, when people convey why they do not want something with “I” messages, they embrace the problem without judging the other party.
The following examples are examples expressed in “I” language.
To your child who wants to play with you at the end of a tiring day:
“I can’t play with you right now because I’m tired, but we can play after I have a rest.”
“It really annoys me to see messy when I just cleaned the house.” When messages such as are given, we give our own discomfort and emotion without making the other party feel guilty.
Instead of pretending to be a nuisance because the child wants to play and messes up the house, the message conveyed as “I am tired, not energetic enough to take care of you right now, I want to rest” conveys the feeling of the family to the child clearly and completely.
While giving “I” messages; we divide it into the following parts:
Definition of undesirable behavior
What the parent feels
Expressing the concrete impact of this behavior
Behavior + Perceived + Impact
First of all, to define the undesirable behavior: It is what the child does. This part is a simple description of the child’s misbehavior.
Definition of behavior without blame: “When you are not on time …” Parents feel: “I worry when you don’t get home on time.”
Expressing the concrete impact: “When you didn’t get home on time, I got worried and couldn’t do what I needed to do.”
This is the approach that should be taken, and parents express that they do not have to pretend, they feel better and free, as they express their feelings as a result of these approaches.
Carol Oldford
